Of Show and Tell and Russian Curse Words
by Selene Illusinia
Summary: Elementary school show and tell is a pain. Part of the "Hodge-Podge Family of Three' series.


**So, I flipped on the TV this morning and there was some show on that I didn't recognize. There was a woman talking to her son about hand-bell choir. I was about to change the channel when the guy who plays Coulson (Clark Gregg) walks in just as the child says "If I'm off time, the teacher will remove my clapper!" Of course, the guys response is "What, is your school holding drag shows now?" The kid just grins and goes "Yeah, isn't it great!" and runs off, which sparks Gregg's character to run to the hall and shout "Don't repeat that! Don't repeat that! Don't repeat that!" **

**Though I couldn't see Phil doing that (outside the show which was surreal), I could completely see Clint having one of those moments. Which made me wonder, under what circumstances. The story got away from me. I apologize for the family-centric nature of this whole thing, but for some reason, figuring out how generic issues of childhood would be handled in this strange family fascinate me. **

**Hence, show and tell. Every parent's biggest headache and most kid's worst nightmare. I recall all too well scrambling to figure out what could be used. It was a pin. That pain is reflected here.**

**Hopefully, it's still funny.**

**- Illusinia**

**On another note, the show was 'The New Adventures of Old Christine'. It's a very strange show.**

"Do I add the acid now, Dad?"

Darcy's voice catches Phil's attention as he heads through the apartment to his bedroom, causing his brow to furrow. Normally, hearing Darcy and Clint in the kitchen wouldn't worry him too much; somehow, Clint is the better cook even with his pyromaniac tendencies. But hearing the word 'acid' from his seven year old makes Phil more than a little nervous. He doesn't think Clint would bring dangerous acid home from work or anything, but still...

"Clint? Darcy?" called Phil, heading for the kitchen. Stepping inside, he can't stop one of his eyebrows from rising.

Darcy and Clint are standing or sitting around the kitchen island, a mass of what looks like plaster between them. They're both wearing safety glasses and several bottles are sitting on the counter, most of which is coated in white powder. Darcy has a beaker in her hand filled with semi-clear liquid, nervously holding it above the opening to the plaster monstrosity between them.

His eyes darted between his husband, daughter, and their Frankenstein monster. "Do I want to know what you're doing?"

"Baking soda volcano," replied Clint easily. At Phil's raised eyebrow, he elaborated. "Darcy's teacher told them to bring something in for show and tell. There isn't a lot we have at home that she can take in though without breaking S.H.I.E.L.D. security code or the law in general, so I suggested we build a baking soda volcano she could demonstrate."

Phil sighed heavily. "And a photo wouldn't work?"

"It's show and tell, Daddy," argued Darcy. "People bring in pets and collections. Cool things. The coolest thing I have is my taser, which you won't let me bring into class."

"Darcy, you aren't even old enough to _have_ a taser," countered Phil. "I gave you that taser so you would be safe if someone broke in."

Clint shrugged. "I suggested her Captain America doll, but she was afraid someone might take it."

"It's _vintage_," reminded Darcy, repeating the word she'd heard her father say in relation to his own collection. "Like my cards."

"I don't think a baking soda volcano is much better, Darcy," stated Phil wearily. "What if I brought your Captain America cards to school myself, stayed through your presentation, and brought them home?"

Darcy seemed to consider it, eyes suddenly lighting up. "What if I brought Dad?"

Phil glanced at Clint wearily. He loved the man, there was no doubt about that, and he trusted his husband with his daughter's life. But that didn't mean he trusted him with a classroom full of children. Explaining to his daughter was a drag show was, among a list of other things which included prostitution in Russia versus the US, what '69' meant in a sexual context, and why Clint was wearing a dress on a street corner in Croatia in that one picture from the office. In summary, Clint probably shouldn't be allowed around a room full of children unless they wanted to risk a lawsuit and possible arrest.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," started Phil uneasily. "You know we can't talk about what we do and there isn't much Dad can do inside that would be appropriate for show and tell."

"Hey, I'm not that bad," objects Clint with a pout. "I could show them my bow and talk a little about archery."

"Or," started Phil, an idea formulating in his head, "she could show off her bow and discuss how she's learning archery."

"I'm not sure I can bring a weapon to school," argued Darcy with a furrowed brow. "There's some kind of 'no tolerance' thing the teachers keep talking about."

Phil nodded slowly, reaching out to rest one of his hands on Darcy's shoulder. "Well, what if I bring it into your classroom and then take it with me when you're done? Would that work?"

"Maybe," sighed Darcy. "Are you sure we can't just do the volcano?"

"Yes Darcy," confirmed Phil. "The last thing I need is for your teacher to file a complaint about our home life."

Clint scowled slightly, starting to clean up the rest of the materials. "Why don't you go clean up Darce?"

"Alright Dad," agreed Darcy, climbing off the stool she'd been sitting on carefully.

Shaking his head, Clint's scowl got worse. "Do you really think that _sooka_ would try to file a complaint?"

"Yes, I do," confirmed Phil, watching as Darcy paused in climbing down the stool with her brow furrowed.

"Sooka," repeated Darcy. "What does that mean? I've heard Aunt Nat say it before when she's driving or angry at someone, but she won't tell me."

Phil shifted a little uneasily, glaring at Clint. "It's a bad word for a mean woman."

"Okay," replied Darcy with a grin. "I like it!"

Clint groaned as Darcy went skipping out of the room repeating the 'sooka' over and over again. "Don't use that word at school! Or in front of Aunt Nat!"

"Natasha's going to kick your ass for this," pointed out Phil mildly as he started making coffee. "She told you to stop using her native tongue to curse in front of Darcy."

The second groan was louder. "She doesn't usually _ask_ what they mean."

"Which is probably why she told Natasha 'Na kaleni, suka' once when they were playing a game," remarked Phil.

Clint paled. Drastically. "When was this?"

"Two months ago, just before Natasha told you to stop cursing in front of Darcy in her native tongue," replied Phil with a slight smile. "What I'm still wondering is when you even had need of that particular phrase when Darcy was around."

"That would be the archery range when a bunch of locals challenged my ability to shoot," muttered Clint. "Showed them."

Phil sighed, shaking his head. "I'll assume this was one of the times you've taken Darcy with you."

"Yeah," confirmed Clint, rubbing the back of his neck. "We might have gotten kicked out of that range, for the record."

"Good to know," muttered Phil with a sigh, pouring some coffee into his cup. "Clean up the counter and I'll see about dinner."

"What about Darcy's show and tell?" asked Clint. "Do you really think the teacher will let you bring a bow into class?"

"It's just a bow," pointed out Phil with a shrug. "No arrows. I can't imagine she'll object. I learned archery as a child, so it can't be that strange. I'm sure plenty of student's have done it before."

Phil whistled cheerfully as he approached Darcy's school. The simple red-brick building wasn't anything interesting to look at; it was actually rather bland. Idly, Phil wondered if he could convince some of the other parents to help fund a mural or _something _to make the building interesting. It could also put him in the better graces of a few of the teachers.

Though no one was ever directly malicious to Darcy, he knew some of her classmates' parents and a few of her teachers didn't like the idea that she was being raised by two men. Then again, most of them didn't realize she was his biologically either. And Clint hadn't helped anything by getting pissed with one of Darcy's teachers during a parent-teacher conference. Phil couldn't blame him though, he'd been ready to throttle the teacher when he'd asked if they thought it was _really_ a good idea for two men to raise a daughter. Clint had demanded Darcy be transferred out of that class immediately and Phil agreed; anyone who could even _think_ they'd do anything improper to their daughter probably had similar thoughts going through his own mind. And there was no way Phil wanted his daughter anywhere near someone like that.

He smiled at the woman in the administration office when he walked in, leaning easily on the desk. "Hello Sara."

"Good morning Phil," greeted Sara Sanders, a young blonde woman with doe-eyes and sleek glasses. She also adored Darcy and her whole family; the first time she met Phil and Clint together, she'd walked up and informed them they were the cutest family she'd ever seen. "How's it going?"

"Well, thank you," replied Phil, lifting Darcy's bow case a little so it was visible. "I need to bring Darcy's bow to her class for show and tell today. She was worried there might be a problem if she tried to bring it in herself."

"With good reason," confirmed Sara with a sigh. "They've really cracked down on weapons in school. But I don't think a bow would be a problem. Are there any arrows in the case?"

"I brought one practice one," admitted Phil. "But it's got a suction cup on the end."

"So in other words, it's harmless," supplied Sara with a smile. "It shouldn't be a problem then. Are you going to take it back home after show and tell?"

"For safety's sake, yes," confirmed Phil. "I don't feel completely comfortable leaving her bow here. It isn't exactly cheap and Clint would be very upset if he couldn't take Darcy shooting this weekend."

Sara nodded, smile still in place as she started fishing through her desk. "He seems really into the whole archery thing."

"It was his life when he was younger," explained Phil, keeping his easy smile in place. "He loves the idea of teaching Darcy some tricks."

"You know, I just realized, I never asked which of you is Darcy's father biologicall," commented Sara, fishing a binder out of her desk and flipping it around for Phil to sign. "Well, if either of are, that is."

Phil smiled, signing his name and dating it. "I am. Darcy's my daughter by my deceased wife."

"Deceased...Jesus, no wonder you switched to men," joked Sara. Her voice still held her shock and horror though, along with a touch of embarrassment. "Seriously though, I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

"It's alright," assured Phil with a smile, taking one of the visitors badges from the desk. "Clint was there, which made it all do-able."

"I'm just glad you had some support," sighed Sara, shaking her head. "Good luck and I'll see you when you leave."

"Always," confirmed Phil as he left the office, pinning the badge to his shirt.

Darcy's classroom was somewhere in the middle of the building; Phil had examined the blueprints of the school ruthlessly when Darcy had started school there, memorizing every detail of the building. It seemed extreme, but Clint had done the same, as had Natasha, so he felt a little less paranoid. Not that it was really paranoia when the actions were rooted in the knowledge that something could happen.

Reaching the open door, Phil stood quietly outside and just out of sight. Several other parents were standing inside the classroom, waiting to take home precious items which belonged to their children. Inside, Darcy glanced towards the door, smiling when she spotted him. He waved subtly at her in return, but continued to stand outside until her turn came up.

Standing, Darcy headed straight for Phil with a grin. He expected her to take the case and run back inside. What he wasn't expecting was for her to grab his hand and pull him into the classroom with her, leaving him at the door and taking the case to the front of the room.

Straightening up, she grinned at her classmates and motioned towards her bow case. "For show and tell, I brought one of my bows!"

A few of the kids actually oohed as she pulled the fiberglass bow from it's case. It was a compact bow, which surprised Phil. Darcy had told him that he just needed to bring her case to school and that she'd already packed her bow inside. Of course Clint, being the archery fiend that he is, had bought her several different bows over the years. She had a recurve bow and a self bow as well as the compact, but Phil suspected the recurve was her favorite because it was the closest to Clint's. Why she'd brought the compact, he wasn't sure. He figured she'd explain though.

"So, this is a compact bow," explained Darcy, holding up the bow so everyone could see. Glancing at the teacher, Mrs. Murphy, Phil noted she looked a little horrified and possibly a touch scandlized by Darcy's choice of show and tell objects. He probably should feel bad about the joy he took in her pain, but it just wasn't in him to lie about his feelings like that. At least, not to himself. "

It has pulleys on the ends of the bow arms to help the archer draw the bow and a fiberglass body to make it light weight." Taking up a stance, Darcy carefully gripped the body of the bow and drew back the string. "Compact bows are easier to use in some ways because the pulleys make them easier to draw. However, the mechanical parts also make them harder to maintain and mean there are more places where the bow can fail. Plus, restringing a compact bow is a pain!"

Carefully relaxing the bow string, she set the bow aside and drew her guard from the case. "This is a wrist guard, also called a brace, that protects the arm bracing the bow from being damaged by the string when it's released. Archers use a thumb guard too, to protect their thumb as well. Some archers wear pads on the fingers of their draw hand too. Archery isn't an easy sport to learn and learning the equipment alone can take months. It requires arm strength to pull the string and brace the bow, calluses to protect your fingers, and a good eye to accurately aim and fire the bow. There's a lot of knowledge that goes into archery, which my Dad has spent a great deal of time teaching me. I'd shoot an arrow, but I'm pretty sure Mrs. Murphy wouldn't like that, so I won't demonstrate." That got a few laughs from her classmates and a grim nod from her teacher, all of whom were looking at her with rapt attention. "Any questions?"

One of the boys in the back's hand shot up, waving around frantically. The motion caught Darcy's attention immediately. "Yeah Calvin?"

"Can your Dad demonstrate the bow?" asked the little boy, Calvin, curiously.

Darcy shook her head. "No, he's not here."

One of the little girls in the front row's brow furrowed, hand rising to point at Phil. "But Darcy, he just handed you the bow."

"Oh!" exclaimed Darcy, apparently picking up on the confusion. "That's my Daddy. He's different from my Dad."

"Huh?" Apparently, Calvin wasn't the smartest kid in the class.

Then again, Phil noted that most of the students looked confused and more than a few of the parents looked a little weary. He considered stopping Darcy from saying anything more; it wouldn't be hard to do. But the reality was, he wanted to hear how his daughter would explain this. Besides, it wasn't hard to figure out he had a husband. If he wasn't at a school function, Clint was and they both claimed to be Darcy's parents.

"I have two dads," explained Darcy. "My mom died when I was a baby and Dad helped Daddy take care of me. They got married a few years ago. Dad is the one who taught me to shoot a bow and arrow. He's a really good marksman, the best in the world! He even used to be in the circus!"

The pride in Darcy's voice when she said the last bit surprised Phil almost as much as the fact she knew Clint had been a circus performer. Usually, the archer left that detail out of his life story. But Darcy was their daughter, so maybe Clint had felt the need to indulge that piece of information to her.

"Alright Darcy, that's enough," cut in Mrs. Murphy, voice hard and a bit disapproving. "I think we've all heard enough about this archery business. It isn't something a young lady should be learning, regardless of who's teaching it, and I hope next time we have show and tell you'll bring something more appropriate. Like a doll."

"Archery is a unisex sport; boys and girls compete, so there's nothing wrong with learning it," argued Darcy, even as she began carefully packing her bow away. "And I can't bring a doll. All my dolls are vintage Captain America ones."

"All of them?" countered Mrs. Murphy. "Then something else perhaps. Weapons are not allowed on school grounds. You aren't being suspended this time because I doubt you knew, but I'll make sure your father knows the rules for next time. Perhaps he can help you pick out a more appropriate show and tell project."

"Actually, I'm the one who suggested she bring the bow," broke in Phil. He wasn't going to watch this teacher bully his daughter. Especially knowing Mrs. Murphy believed that Phil and Clint couldn't possibly provide a stable environment for their daughter. Which really meant, she didn't think Darcy would grow up as a normal girl without a female influence. Phil had been tempted to inform her that Darcy had a female influcence when that comment was made, but it would break S.H.I.E.L.D protocal to inform a civilian that Natasha was an assassin. "I didn't think it would be a problem without arrows."

"Well, it is," stated Mrs. Murphy firmly. "A bow is a weapon, regardless of if you have ammunition in it or not, and I won't have violence propagated in my classroom. And yes, showing children weapons is propagating violence."

"Your opinion has been noted," replied Phil, eyes narrowing a little at the older woman. "As have the rules." Entering the classroom, he carefully took the packed bow case from Darcy. Offering her a smile, he clapped a hand on her shoulder and added: "Next time, I'll let you bring the volcano."

"Thank you Daddy!" exclaimed Darcy, flashing him a grin before she headed back to her seat.

"A volcano?!" exclaimed Mrs. Murphy, looking more than a little disturbed.

"Yes," confirmed Phil, offering her one of his off-balancing S.H.I.E.L.D smiles. "That was her other father's idea. It seems like it would have been better, being a less _violent_ show and tell project." Turning, he headed back to the door, waving at Darcy as he passed.

"Bye Daddy!" called Darcy, still grinning wide.

Phil smiled as he started towards the front office. Even when he had to deal with a judgmental old fool like Mrs. Murphy, Darcy could always bring a smile back to his face. Especially when Darcy argued with people like that. And now, the memory of Mrs. Murphy looking more than a little disturbed at the idea of Darcy bringing a volcano into the classroom for show and tell would be added to the file in his head of things that could make him smile.

**Please note, I don't speak Russian at all. All curse words and phrases were retrieved from the internet. If something's wrong, I apologize.**

**Sooka: bitch/whore**

**Na kaleni, suka: On your knees, bitch!**

**Also, I know nothing about archery. All information on the subject came from Wikipedia.**


End file.
